Michael Buble and Charlie

bubleI must have just about every single Michael Buble song out there loaded up on my IPod and Buzz will attest to the fact that I play the whole play list at least once a day but I just can’t help it, his songs touch my heart. The song that most touches my heart is “Lost”, the reason being that it reminds me of Charlie.

Charlie is my grandfather, I refer to him by his first name because…well, he’s my grandfather not yours. Charlie raised me during my younger years, he and I were literally inseparable and the heartbreak of leaving him when my family moved to the US was enough to crush everything I knew as a child and leave me with an immense feeling of loss. As I passed through my adolescent years seeing my dear beloved ‘Charlie’ only once a year I became someone that I don’t recognize now. The teenager in me resented everything and everyone and I pushed away the man who meant every thing in the world to me and yet he still grabbed for my hand when we met in the airport once a year, he still laughed and joked and winked at me with his cheeky grin. When college happened to my life the resentment began to wane and I tried so hard to forge a relationship like the one I used to have with Charlie, I called him in England from my dorm room, I wrote him letters…I missed him more than ever.

In 2001 my Charlie passed away. He hadn’t wanted me to know that he had cancer but my mom saw fit to tell me anyway but it wasn’t the cancer that killed him, it was during his post surgery recovery after having an aortic aneurysm operated on that his body, his strong as an ox body, decided that it was time to let go. I wasn’t there. My mother was beside his bed, she had asked me not to go telling me that he wouldn’t want me to remember him like that and I knew she was right but it didn’t stop me from wondering if things would have been different if I was there holding his hand. The common sense in me knows that things would have been just the same but my heart aches with wonder whenever I allow myself to think about it. I stayed in North Carolina to care for my younger brothers when my parents attended Charlie’s funeral, again my mother requested on behalf of my grandfather that I not attend. I knew the reasoning behind not wanting me at the funeral but there is not a moment of my life, not one single second, that I do not regret not being there to give him a send off. I know it’s what he wanted but on days like today I will still find myself wishing that I had done things differently.

Today I sat at my desk with every intention of a product review but as the song “Lost” started to play I felt that lump rising in my throat and the tears sitting precariously in the corners of my eyes. There isn’t a day that passes that I don’t think about Charlie but not every day does the emotional scale tip with tears, most days I remember how wonderful he was, I remember his smile, his laugh, his hand with his nobbled fingers wrapped around mine, his faith in me and most of all his appreciation of everything. It is my hope that one day I can experience just 1/4 of the greatness he saw in the world.

As I sit here contemplating whether to share this story on such a public forum the song “That’s Life” begins with it’s bold gospel vocals and my tears subside, a grin spreads slowly from one side of my mouth to the other as I hear the words bubble from my speakers and resonate around my contemplative mind:

But I don’t let it, let it get me down
‘Cause this fine ol’ world keeps spinning ’round

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2 Responses to “Michael Buble and Charlie”

  1. 1
    Queen Bee says:

    <3 (My words won’t come)

  2. 2
    yefi says:

    what a powerful entry. im close to my grandma and she passed away two years ago and it was such a sad time. we celebrated her life but it’s hard not to miss a great grandparent

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