An Informal Acceptance

accepted1Late last night as I check my e-mail for the millionth time I found an e-mail from UNR asking if I was still interested in the program and if so they were interested in me and would like to offer me a position there. When I read it I admit that embarrassingly enough, I panicked. This late in the game I wasn’t expecting any acceptances and had resigned myself to that fact. The e-mail also offered to help foot the bill if I would like to go and visit campus. I contacted Buzz through text message (wouldn’t you know he was out at the time??!) and shared the news. I then texted Queen Bee and e-mailed my trusty dad to see what he had to say about the offer. The first to respond was Buzz with a “congratulations!”, and then Queen Bee who called me, and finally my mom who called after she had obviously been read the e-mail by my dad.

As I talked to my mom who was telling me how much I might like it out there on the visit I started to cry. The what  if”s started to get me. What if I’m not doing this because I love it but because I feel obligated to do something? What if I can’t stand being so far away? What if Buzz and I break up and I’m trapped across the country on my own? What if I can’t do it…what if…what if…what if. My mom put on her mothering voice and told me that it would be fine and that I would love it but as she started to flail just a little she handed the phone to my brother J and then my dad. Both brother J and my dad told me the same thing and reassured me that I would be fine. That I needed to go and visit and once I did that I would just know. I would know if it was the place for me. I would know if I had made the right choice. I would just know and in the meantime there was nothing wrong with visiting and getting to know the professors and students who could eventually be my peers.

shirt skirt bracelet

So last night I picked out an outfit from DownEast Basics for my visit to the UNR campus, a brightly colored and comfortable outfit that matches my black boots well and is professional with a little fun mixed in. I am going to pay my visit to UNR soon (I’d say within 3 weeks or so) and find out more about my choices before making any decision. You never know what you’re missing until you check out all of your options.

I’m still panicked and the mere fact that I’m panicking worries me. I am a worrier. I have always been a worrier. If there is nothing to worry about I worry. I am so deathly afraid of picking the wrong path in life. I accepted the offer to pay the campus a visit, after all how will I know anything if I don’t? Queen Bee tells me it’s the fear talking, fear of change, fear of something new and maybe even fear of a challenge after so long of working alone. She could be right and there is no better way to get over fear than to face it head on.  I didn’t tell my family that I was afraid I was making the wrong choice because they’ve heard it before. I was hesitant to tell Buzz. I confided in Queen Bee but after a few minutes of conversation with Buzz I burst in to tears and it all flooded out. Am I really afraid that I’m making the wrong choice or simply afraid of the change after so long? Only I will know that once I set foot on to the campus of UNR and until then I will sail along as I have been, with hopes for the future whatever it may hold.

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