A Look Back


RAFAs I lay here in bed at 11:41am…yes, I am still laying here contemplating getting up even though I have already eaten and fully awoken, I look back at thoughts of my future from the past. When I was young I always assumed that I would follow my mothers footsteps and become a special education teacher or teachers aide. I even started that way when I first went to college but then realized that I didn’t want to spend the rest of my life in a classroom. I knew I had my fall back, I had always wanted to be a wife and mother and that, I thought…no I was sure, would never be a problem for me. Little did I know that I would fall for a guy who didn’t have the same plans and it would leave me constantly torn between the life I wanted and the life he could give me. I set myself to trying to find something else, something that was meant just for me. Looking for talent when there is none to be found is exceedingly difficult. Multiple times I have thought I’d known just what it is I wanted to do. I wanted to be a child psychologist. I wanted to be a forensic psychologist. I wanted to be a teacher. I wanted to be a wife and mother. I wanted to be in the RAF. I wanted to join the Peace Corps. I wanted to be a baker. I wanted to run a dog treat business. I wanted to be a writer. I know it all seems so ridiculous but it is so difficult finding a place in a world where you honestly feel that you have none. In my mind the world is like a puzzle ball. Everyone has their own little slot with the exception of a few pieces that found their way in to the box from a completely different puzzle. I am one of those pieces. I just don’t fit and I’ve tried forcing myself in to other slots and I only end up with bent edges. I thought that perhaps the RAF or Peace Corps would be able to point me in a direction but as it turns out for the RAF you can’t have endometriosis and I’m fairly certain my irregular heartbeat would get me a no go as well. As for the Peace Corps well aside from the same stipulations above you also have to be a citizen of the U.S. which I am not.

So I keep wandering. I keep my eyes open for an “I COULD DO THAT” moment, for something I really could do but I tell you what, so far i feel like I have absolutely no purpose. Here I am going through the motions one more time, trying to figure it all out and really, I have absolutely no idea what “it” is anymore. I am only conscious of the fact that yet another year is sliding in to the home plate and here I am still stuck, still clueless and still feeling like a complete disappointment.

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