Fat Girl Gone Skinny

scaleSome of you who have been here for a while will remember my story of once being a fat girl. Well, today I was thinking about the difference between being a fat girl and no longer being a fat girl (notice the inability to say skinny girl?). There are things that people never tell you about getting skinny…just like the things people never tell you about being fat like how when you wear pantyhose your thighs could very easily start a small fire when you are forced to move above a snails pace. The differences are great between the fat girl facts and the thin girl facts but there are things that no one told me. I would never trade being 42lbs lighter for being as heavy as I once was. I was completely miserable when I was fat. I was insecure and fat. Now I’m somewhere between insecure and secure with a BMI of 21.3.

I accept that I will never be the 100lb girl, nor would I want to be but the thing about once being a fat girl is that no matter what you do in your lifetime, no matter how fit you become there is always the worry that someday you will again become the fat girl. You will lose your new relationship with food, you will take a week off the gym that turns in to a month off, you will indulge a little too often in an “off day” and then you’ll find yourself right back where you started. I know that I lost the weight once but I think the thought of gaining it back is more terrifying than the process of having to lose it in the first place.

So what changed for me with my weight loss? Well now I’m no longer the fat girl that gives the skinny girls the evil eye, I’m the semi-skinny girl that gets the looks from the fat girl. I desperately want to tell them that I was fat once, that I’m really not one of “those” skinny girls but instead I smile and know that they think I am secretly laughing at them, because that’s what I always thought when I was fat.

I get cold ALL the time. I used to have that extra padding you see and it kept me warm and now I am freezing almost everywhere I go. I can no longer eat fatty foods either. Since my weight loss focused on a drastic reduction of fatty foods my body now revolts when I attempt to consume fast food. There are some positives of course, the things that I am still in awe of. There is the fact that if I don’t drink diet soda I actually have a flat tummy. The fact that I can burn hundreds of calories in the gym and not feel as though I’m about to have a coronary or drop dead on the spot. Of course there is the fact that once in a while I get one of *those* looks from a guy and sure I’m “taken” but there’s no harm in a look.

The trade offs are there and I certainly don’t mind the new me, the new me who loves clothes rather than hides in them. The new me who feels at least a little more confident and pretty. No, insecure or not I wouldn’t trade the new me for the old me, it just would have been nice knowing what to expect when I got here.

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