Good Old Anxiety


panicThere’s a feeling I know well. Laying in bed in the middle of the night it begins with a tingling in the tips of your fingers and rapidly moves up to a tightness of the chest. The tightness is only complimented by the rapidly fluttering butterflies in the stomach and an intense feeling of nausea accompanied by cold sweats. My family is plagued with anxiety and so I know the feeling, like one comes to know an old friend, and I despise it. As I lay in bed last night my body trembling, my heart pounding and my hands and feet sweating I tried to detach. I tried to label the fear for what it was and focus on finishing up a project for work but the feeling insisted on seeping through my pores. I began talking to Queen Bee on IM, explaining to her the roots of my anxiety, the fact that one of my jobs hasn’t paid me in a month, that my bills are due, that while I don’t want to lose the job I can’t afford to lose the income nor work without being paid. I told her I’d not slept solidly the night before worried about my dog who had just been bitten, but not just bitten, he’d been bitten and he’d screamed as I imagine the lambs scream as they are being slaughtered. He squealed for help and I didn’t get there in time to stop him from being hurt. In addition I had just dropped $250 at the vet which I didn’t have (see point #1). To top this all off my Nana is returning home on July 1st and I’m just not ready to let her go. I shouldn’t see my Nana only once a year, it’s not fair. I know, I know, nothing in life is ever fair but it’s even less fair when you’re tired, broke and panicked.

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