Mothers Day and I Have Problems

Mothers DayTo all mothers out there, happy mothers day! I hope you have an amazingly wonderful day surrounded by smiling faces and heartwarming memories.

Mothers day and I have problems. Mothers day and I just don’t get along. In fact mothers day and I don’t particularly have a relationship at all because I am not fortunate enough to have been made a mother. Sure, caring friends who know what a tough time I have with this day throw out the cheesy “you’re such a good dog mommy!” line and the effort is appreciated but it doesn’t stop the fact that I’m really not a mom to anyone from crushing my heart.

I always wanted to be a mom. My grandmother, mother of seven of her own children and my mother, mother of four, instilled in me a want for a large family of my own. At 29 years old though that want for a large family gets less feasible as the clock ticks away. I know you say “but you’re only 29!” but when you look at the details, the fact that I wanted three children of my own, the fact that I have endometriosis that completely kicks my ass…well that clock just ticks all the louder. It’s not that Buzz never wanted children it’s just that it’s never been “the right time” and I’ve explained to him that there is never a right time but part of me has started to believe that maybe he’s right or maybe I just wasn’t cut out to be a mom.

Still my clock ticks loudly and my heart aches when I see newborns. When I see pregnant women I want to walk away for fear that I’m going to burst in to tears at the very sight of them. When someone without thinking asks “so when’re you going to start having kids” I want to take them by the shoulders and shake them and scream that I’ve been waiting for the most part of a decade to be blessed with a child but it’s “not the right time”. I don’t go to baby showers, I don’t go not to be rude but to save face because were I to show up to celebrate the arrival of a baby to someone else I would turn in to a hysterical puddle of tears and ruin the entire thing for everyone. No…mothers day and I don’t get along.

There is a sense of something lost in this day for me. There is a vision of what I had always wanted for my life, the beautiful home, the three kids, the devoted husband…but I suppose we all have our own let down’s in life. I mean no one ever gets it all do they? So, on this mothers day as I am excluded once again from the “happy mother’s day! You must be so proud”‘s I put another layer of duct tape around my breaking heart and hope that maybe next year …well, just maybe next year.

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4 Responses to “Mothers Day and I Have Problems”

  1. 1
    Nicole says:

    Even though I have two incredible kids here on earth, Mother’s Day is always a day of mixed emotion for me as I think about my other two babies who I miscarried. I think many people don’t realize how tough Mother’s Day (and other holidays) can be for those who haven’t had things go according to plan.
    .-= Nicole´s last blog ..Northern Voice 2010 Conference -SEO Saturday =-.

  2. 2
    Daenel says:

    Amy, I appreciate your sentiment and my heart aches for you. I had a miscarriage and although I’ve been blessed with other children, I still miss the one that I lost. I’m sending you big ol’ hugs and lots of love.
    .-= Daenel´s last blog ..Monday Mingle =-.

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