The Christmas Crazies

crazyI can quite honestly say that this year Christmas in general has been a challenge and it’s not even here yet! We are currently preparing to welcome my youngest brother (younger than his twin by a whopping 1 minute) and his girlfriend as they drive in from Missouri on Saturday, arriving Sunday morning around 2am. I adore both of my brothers and am rather partial to B’s girlfriend as well; however, moving from 3 people in this house on a limited budget to 5 and finally 6 is a strain that is already beginning to show as we attempt to stock up a few necessities.

My older younger brother (older than his twin by 1 minute) was just offered a job which means he will be staying in Missouri over Christmas which is disappointing since it is the one time a year that I get to see him but I certainly understand the need to make more money, particularly this year.

As the days move closer to Christmas I find myself dreading it being over. Christmas is, and always has been, my favorite time of year but every year on December 26th I find myself sad to see it go. This year I find myself worrying about this already and Christmas isn’t even here yet.

I like to believe that I am an optimistic person and I am sure that you have no interest in reading about my not so ‘together’ moments but being that it is weighing heavily on my mind lately I will share anyway and if you care to move ahead feel free to do so.

I worry about the what happens next once the joyous festivities of Christmas are finished. Going back to our life that is barely functioning on the budget we’re barely living on and one which is diminishing by the month as finances begin to run dry. I tell myself that I just have to make it until I begin grad school and get my stipend for a research assistantship but this is a long way off. Buzz barely sleeps anymore, he sleeps approximately six hours every three days and to say we don’t see much of each other is a severe understatement. I feel guilty because since losing my part time job my share of the monthly income is short $680 and he is picking up the slack.  I have done just about everything in my power to regain work but it’s just not going right now and when it is it’s at an outsourced rate which would provide nothing but excess work for me and not enough money to pay even one utility bill. I will keep on keeping on, doing what I can where I can and I know that this feeling of helplessness and devastation will be fleeting in the long run but it’s just the getting to that point where it has fleeted that is going to be tough.

I suppose you could say that what makes me an optimist is not my ability to smile at everything and turn it in to good news but more my ability to realize that this moment is just that, a moment. This time next year I will have a new life, a new source of income and a graduate student career doing something that I love and so I’m digging in my heels and refusing to give in to this desperation that is knocking at the door. There are far more people who are worse off than I and so with a deep breath I will focus further down the road as I try not wonder just how we will manage to get through next month.

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4 Responses to “The Christmas Crazies”

  1. 1
    Karie says:

    I am digging in with you my friend…digging in hard for the year to come. I hope this storm has run it’s course and we will all see better and brighter days. I know the fleeting and helpless feeling, oh I so know the feeling. If you need anything I am here for you!
    .-= Karie´s last blog ..Graine de Vie SEED Body Care & Giveaway :: CLOSED =-.

  2. 2
    Queen Bee says:

    “I like to believe that I am an optimistic person and I am sure that you have no interest in reading about my not so ‘together’ moments…”

    This makes you human, and we will continue to read on.

    Many of us are going through, or have family going through, very similar circumstances. We understand and sympathize.

    I was listening to “Have Yourself a Merry little Christmas” yesterday and laughed as I sang along with the lyrics:

    Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
    Let your heart be light
    From now on,
    our troubles will be out of sight

    Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
    Make the Yule-tide gay,
    From now on,
    our troubles will be miles away.

    Here we are as in olden days,
    Happy golden days of yore.
    Faithful friends who are dear to us
    Gather near to us once more.

    Through the years
    We all will be together,
    If the Fates allow
    Hang a shining star upon the highest bough.
    And have yourself A merry little Christmas now.

    Isn’t that so true…. so many problems now, but know that next year, all our troubles will be miles away.

    Keep your chin up. I love you!

    • Amy says:

      Thank you sweetpea! I love you too 🙂 Can’t wait to get back and see my little ‘niece’ with all her holiday goodies!

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