The Great Blue Hole

The Great Blue Hole BelizeThis is the great blue hole in Belize, just the sight of this picture makes my palms sweat and my very being shake. I am terrified of the ocean. Absolutely. Terrified. I was browsing one of those ‘things to look at while you’re bored’ websites last night and came across this picture. It makes me sick and yet I can’t stop looking at it in pure amazement.

I pride myself on being an optimist, on making a conscious effort to be one at least and yet part of the draw of this picture for me is that lately I feel as though I have been circling that great blue hole. The suddenness of my decision not to attend graduate school jolted me and while it was the right decision at the time it nevertheless left a vacuous hole. I have always hoped to find that one thing that completes me and yet my search has been fruitless and not attending school as planned left me feeling even more barren than before. There is a human need to feel as though we have value, that we are important and that we have made a contribution to the world and with no Earthly idea what my purpose is there are times when I feel myself surfing the rim of that great blue hole.

There isn’t just the graduate school decision although it left a particularly gaping hole, there are family circumstances, something which my family never dreamed would happen to them and yet it did and the denial set in and as the level headed one I was forced to step up and add to my already overflowing plate. I took the responsibility in hand, I didn’t complain because I was needed by my family but I felt those blue waters lapping at my toes as I got ever closer to the edge. Fatigue set in just in time for me to take on the phantom massive project that is funding part of our move and all I honestly wanted to do was crawl in to bed and sleep for days but I kept on pushing. Even as Buzz and I live more as roommates lately I keep on trucking because at some point it has to get better. At some point my natural ability to swim has to overtake my fear of drowning. At some point I have to jump in and kick my legs and move my arms because the only other choice is to get sucked in to that great blue hole and I’ll be damned if that’s how I’m going out.

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