The Panic Sets In

crackedSomething happened and the earth cracked. Beneath my feet it dried up and began to crack like tiny slivers down my great grandmothers bone china teacups. I didn’t feel it coming, not slowly, not creepingly but suddenly. As if some invisible giant had stomped his foot and just at that very moment the moisture was sucked out of the ground and a pattern of dirty cracks appeared.

“So what is it?” The words echo and my brain aches, begging me not to think about it again. Begging me not to force myself to think about the next five years. Hoping that instead I can focus just on today.  I shrug, the ‘I don’t know’ silent but definitely audible. I don’t  know what it is I should be and I doubt that any length of time could tell me that. It was supposed to. I was supposed to know by now. I came here to find out.

Last night I received the latest laundry list of things I have failed to do, failed to provide by just being and as I listened, stomach churning, hands shaking, vomit point approaching, there was nothing for me to say. I don’t know who I am, what I should be and how to be anything more to anyone else than I already am. Rather I listened. I listened and apologized, excusing myself from these misdeeds that I couldn’t help but commit – or not commit as the case may be. When I finished listening and when they finished talking I apologized once more for good measure and then I admitted a depression which at some point crept in while I wasn’t looking and made itself firmly, and comfortably, at home. There was no more to say and so I pulled the covers up to my chin and while I let the panic set in I held my book up to my face and disappeared within myself for a while. Just until the morning sun poked its head above the clouds and I could squeeze my eyes shut no more.

This is the beginning of something, of what I am not sure, but the sickness still lays heavy in my stomach and my head throbs and my voice feels lost and some how my heart feels broken.

I will be starting myself back on anti-depressants in a few weeks when I return home. I need something more than this and you, my readers, deserve something better than this. I will fit in that visit somewhere between the vet visit for the newest hard lump that has appeared on my sweet fur son’s side and my long overdue dental appointment. There is no choice this time, it has to be done, I need to find myself again and give me a fighting chance.

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2 Responses to “The Panic Sets In”

  1. 1
    Queen Bee says:

    I love you.
    The meds will help bring your head back above water.
    Life will reappear. Birds will chirp. Sun will shine. Sunlight will warm your soul.
    Brighter days are soon to be!!!
    .-= Queen Bee´s last blog ..Today My Chocolate Milk Expires =-.

  2. 2
    Nicole says:

    (((HUGS))) I went through a period of time like that in my mid-20’s. I couldn’t fathom why anyone would even want to be friends with me -I couldn’t see what I offered to any relationship, or even the world.

    My husband had me sit down and start a list, and over time I added to it (first in writing, then mentally when it became second nature). Every day I would try to think of one of my positive attributes. At first it was tough and I started with things like “I’m a good cook.” The purpose is not to try to decide what to do with your gifts, it’s only to be able to recognize them. And, during this time, don’t work on trying to improve anything -just focus on the good. It really helped me get through that time and built my confidence too.
    .-= Nicole´s last blog ..5 Reasons Why You Should Buy My House =-.

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