The Quiet Hum Of Night Time

nightThere is a stillness to the night that I find both relaxing and disturbing. The silent hum of a ceiling fan resonates through my bedroom as the rest of the house is still. Outside there is only the background hum of late night insect life to be heard. All is still. Out there all is still and yet my head spins with my brain’s insistence that I make a plan.

This is not all that there is and I must have a plan to get what I need from this life. I have to get what I need from this life before time slips away further and it’s too late. Time keeps ticking away and I am suffocating in the stillness and drowning in the stagnant waters of this, this paralyzed life. For years I have spent my life dreaming and waiting for the day when my life as I dreamed it would arrive and yet ten years of waiting brought no change. So I stepped back in hopes that a change would bring a realization.

In all fairness not even two weeks have passed on my working sabbatical but it feels like an eternity. I feel as though I have been sucked up and spat out by some thaumaturgical black hole and despite the time that has passed nothing has changed. Not one eyelash less, not one freckle more. The lack of change reflects the suffocating stagnancy that I feel inside. I need to be more. I need to breath more. I need to live more. I need to become what is in my heart. I don’t know what changes I need to make. I don’t know what the first step is or how to take it. I don’t know who I am anymore. A crisis following my graduate school downfall perhaps or maybe disappointment in the years of lost time that yielded no family of my own nor any accomplished career; perhaps resonating grief from a grandfather lost and never released or maybe the stress fractures from years of playing glue to a loved but slightly dysfunctional clan. Something, somewhere along the line went wrong and I derailed and I need desperately to get this train back on the tracks. I need motion.

I need these things to appear. I need these changes to be real because each and every day when I wake up and look around and hear that voice inside my head – this can’t be it, I crumble a little more inside. I need my bootstraps pulled up, my goals readjusted and a few more smiling faces in my life to remind me that I am much more than a piece of furniture. I need the cheesy affirmations, the knowledge that I am loved, and more than anything I need the cathartic and tear filled quiet hum of the night.

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