There Are Always Those Left Behind

saint judeI had every intention of writing an entry updating my application status today but out of character for me I decided instead to share something that has sat heavily on my chest. I tend not to dwell. I tend to move forward and keep on keeping on but sometimes other people need to know someone elses side of a story.

The news of Andrew Koenig’s death this week has weighed heavily on my heart. Depression and more specifically suicide is something that makes my heart shatter in to a million pieces. For some unfortunate reason I have known my fair share of individuals who have taken or attempted to take their lives and I won’t lie, on occasion I wonder if perhaps I am cursed. Four individuals who have touched my life found themselves on this path, two successfully completing their actions, one who is no longer a part of my life and one who sits in the back of my mind every second of every day as I worry. The thing about this is that the fact that they didn’t succeed in their attempt doesn’t bring the relief that you might expect. Each and every time that phone rings something inside you pauses, your heart stops and you sit in limbo until the answer to your panicked “what happened” question is received. The thing about suicide and suicidal ideation (am I the only one who finds this word distasteful?) is that someone is always left behind. It sounds selfish to say but as the someone who has been left behind and as the someone who has been there for one who didn’t succeed in leaving…well, it’s a lot of responsibility. It’s a responsibility that I never signed up for but it’s one that I accept all the same.

With each phone call, IM, E-mail the obligation is there to answer immediately and while I would never withhold my affection from someone who truly needed me sometimes the burden is heavy. It is something that is particularly difficult to explain to others, the feeling of holding someone else in your hands, being their lifeline and knowing that should they slip you will ultimately always feel responsible.

As I sit here thinking about it all, as someone who is not perhaps as religious as she was raised by her mother to be, I’d like to think that the reason for so many people in this situation touching my  life is because they need me. Rather than feeling responsible, rather than feeling as though I am a magnet for something so truly devastating, I like to believe that I am a ray of light for them. I am someone who can be trusted to catch them if they fall, someone who can share the love in my heart with those who reach down and find their own reserves empty. You see, I can love anyone who has room in their heart to be loved and I think that this is my blessing, this is what I was given to share.

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2 Responses to “There Are Always Those Left Behind”

  1. 1
    Queen Bee says:

    You are a beautiful soul.

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